Life

*WARNING THERE MAY BE SOME SPOILERS*

Alright guys, brace yourselves this one may be deep. I don't really have any real direction with where this post is going, and I don't really have a title either. Didn't feel right for some reason. I just know I feel so compelled to talk about it. First off I want to say, I won't mention any names of people involved. I'm not writing this for attention or to insult people, I want to raise awareness for every young girl. So they know that they don't have to deal with anything alone. Plus I have recently discovered writing is the easiest way for me to deal with things.

I recently just finished watching Netflix series 13 Reasons Why. For those of you who don't know what it is about or haven't watched it I'll give a basic overview (Warning there may be a few little spoilers) A 17 year old girl called Hannah commits suicide. Before she makes this decision she records 13 tapes, each other which contain stories about individuals and how they played rolls in her getting to the place she did. The tapes get passed around to the people the one we follow is a boy named Clay . Anyway that's all I want to give without too much detail. This was the most amazingly raw show I have ever seen! I cried like an actual baby, and in related to some of the stories told so closely that all I could think of was, what would I have done if I had all of this happening. Everyone should watch it.

This show hit me so incredibly hard. I remembered things that I completely forgot happened to me. I guess I just repressed them. Hannah's first tape explained the point where she thought her life started taking the turn for the worst. A photo which was totally innocent was sent around the school, by a boy. Everyone immediately took the photo out of context. This leads to many examples of Hannah being slut shamed, and eventually assualted. I think this is the main topic of this show I want to talk about. Because I myself have been slut shamed. My slut shaming lasted for years, and to this day there are still a select few people out there who feel the need to continue making jabs at me, or treating me the same way. For me the area I was slut shamed wasn't school, I mean there was like a 2 month period in year 9 I broke up with one boy and had a new boyfriend like 2 days later.. That was just cause I was dumb. My slut shaming took place at a local sporting club. Now I'm not going to say that I didn't bring any of this on myself. I made some pretty poor decisions during this time. But the way I was treated by those boys during has massively affected my outlook on any relationship I go into these days.

So here we go:

It all started when I was 16 years old I started 'dating' I guess you could say one of the guys at the club. There was a slight age gap (nothing illegal) so for that reason we kept it from my parents. That and I am pretty sure he was scared of them murdering him. For the next 2ish years roughly we were seeing each other on off (mainly on though I would say). Even though we never were officially together and probably never would have been, it is still the most positive relationship I have had with a guy, he was a wanker for letting it go on for so long, I wouldn't change any of it. He made me so comfortable and confident in myself that I can thank him for making the person I am in a way. He let me be me. That I will be forever grateful for.

Although my parents didn't know everyone at the club did and they all felt the need to make comments about it, not caring who was in ear shot. My mum, my dad or even my brothers. Can you imagine knowing your brothers are hearing about your sex life because a group of idiots felt the need to discuss it as 'locker talk' I'm not going to lie. I think my brothers hearing all of that made them think less of me in some way. In fact I am almost positive it did. Knowing that broke me. But not once did any of these boys. ( I call them boys because I believe real men don't act like this) stop to think of them.

Once myself and this guy stopped seeing each other officially, I made some pretty poor decisions. The only guys I knew or spoke to where guys from that club so evidently they where the guys I choose to spend my company with.Not being 18 made it hard to meet new people when I wasn't the coolest person at high school. It suddenly felt like I had become the club 'whore' I would go there to support my family, or have dinner on a Saturday night and once everyone got a few drinks in them the comments would begin. Now it was nothing majorly harsh or anything. It was more just sly remarks about me 'being good in bed' one week I was told by one of the boys who was my closest mate at the time that there were boys making bets on who would be the next one to sleep with me. There was another time I went drinking with a few of them. (One of the boys was a the mate who told me about the bet, also one of my best mates) This night two of the boys (one I will admit to sleeping with before this) tried to convince me to have a threesome with them. There were other times where on snapchat I had one of the boys (who was in a long term relationship) get sleezey with me.Ask me questions about my sex life. Then he would tell me to not tell anyone we were talking.

One night I stayed at a mates house once and the same guy offered to come pick me up. I thought hey we are mates he can take me home, he was near there anyway. We stopped of at his place so I could clean up (I had blood on my foot from standing on a piece of broken glass) once I cleaned myself off, be began grabbing, getting all touchy feely, saying its okay relax. I made sure it stopped before he tried anything more. But even just that made me feel the need to go home and show. I felt gross. This I am pretty sure I have mentioned that story. I just thought I'll get in trouble I put myself in the situation.

The moment that disgusted and hurt me the most though was this. Remember the guy I mentioned at the start? He changed clubs eventually. During a match they played against each other someone made a remark to him about me. Telling him what I had been up to since he left. Who I had been sleeping with and exactly what he had done. None of that comment was true.

I tried the own it approach. Anytime someone made a comment about it I just played it up, I thought if I was agreeing to it they would get bored of it and move on. It felt like every single one of them just wanted to try and get a piece of me, heck a guy apparently dumped his girlfriend cause he thought he had a chance with me! (Now that is a story and a half) That's why I wanted so badly to be out of my home town. I wanted to get away from the town where I had the reputation of being a slut. a life where no one new who I was. I wanted to be someone else.

Eventually as stories tend to go. People began adding their own little facts into the mix (Just like the story). People that wouldn't even have an idea of what was going on. Once I left the town I ceased most contact with any of them. Except one boy who I've left his role in this story pretty unmentioned. To go into that history would take me a whole book. Plus I've ruined that friendship for eternity so there is no point bringing it up, that's something that would hurt me. (If he was to ever read this he would know exactly who he is) I have only given a brief (if you call it that) write up on the history what I really want to touch on is how this made me feel.

It got so bad that a few weeks before I moved to Melbourne, I found out one of the guys had started the same with a friend of mine at the time. I completely lost the plot. Rocked up to where they where and abused all of them. Something I am so embarrassed about but after two years almost of them constantly talking about who I have sex with, what they apparently think I like in bed. I heard one rumour where I enjoy being tied up and gagged. True or not that is no one business but mine and anyone I choose to share it with (for the record though that scares me haha) I had hit my tipping point.

It wasn't until I watched this show that I realised how much what these boys played a role in how I perceive myself, and how I am when it comes to relationships. Boy issues, I don't have them. I don't build relationships with people anymore cause once I do I get scared that the slut shaming will begin. I get worried that they only know of me as the girl I was years ago when this happened. I know this is the case sometimes. I have had people walk up to me and go you're Steph Bracher I've heard of you. When I say how the respond with one word. The club name. To be 18 and have groups of guys varying in ages, situations, a guy who was the dad of one of your closest family friends, make me feel like nothing more then an object. Nothing more then a piece of meat who was good for one thing and up for a good time. Ruins your life.

I never got to the stage where I was going to give up entirely but god there are sometimes where I think I was close. I look back and honestly I don't know how I got through that. There must just be something in me that won't quit. That I am so grateful for. But getting through it means dealing with it. Something I think I am yet to fully do. I have ruined potential positive relationships for myself for the fear of the past repeating itself. A few months after I stopped seeing the first guy and the slut shaming was at an all time high. I was talking to this guy who had nothing to do with anyone I knew. But because I was so used to getting walked over, and having everyone in my business spreading rumours I couldn't bring myself to publicly talk to him, I couldn't even open myself up to him. I was scared these other boys would find out who he is, or on the off chance we did start dating he would meet them and well, he would hear the rumours himself and leave. So I closed off any potential of anything happening. Even if I did want it to. I willingly went into a long distant relationship with a guy I knew would never last but being far away meant I never had to be fully open and honest with him. Although I told most of it. He never knew the full extent of everything.

I have spent years hating the person I see in the mirror cause all I see is that young 17 year old girl who was classed as a slut for some silly little mistakes she made and for a group of boys taking advantage of her lack of knowledge of the real world. What these people did, broke me and to this day still haunts me. I know slut shaming is something that gets thrown around a lot today. Everything is sexualised, and I think for that reason people think that making comments degrading anyone in a sexual way is okay. We see it in music videos, movies, tv shows, women dressed in minimal clothing songs about sex. People expect women to be like that, when they aren't they get ridiculed for being a prude. But if you get yourself in a situation where you can be like one of the girls in the Blurred Lines song for example you are slut shamed. Once you get the label next to your name if you are around the same environment it is impossibly hard to remove. Trust me. I moved three hours away and apparently there were still comments made. Enough to the point my mum slapped one of the boys. I wasn't even there to defend myself anymore, But it continued.

I want any girl out there reading this to know that what any boy or anyone says to you that makes you feel any less of the amazing strong unique women you are then you are not alone and you can get help! It may seem that no one out there but we are here to help you! As women we need to band together and lift each other to overcome slut shamers. I don't want to see another young girl have her faith in what positive relationships ruined, cause every boy she has been with is only after one thing then tells the world like its important news. As for anyone who feels it appropriate to slut shame anyone, here is my advice for you. THINK... What you do my seem small and like a joke, you might not even know that you're doing it. But what you say can influence everyone elses opinion on a person. You might mistake a simple photo for something it totally isn't. How would you feel knowing you're the reason that a person can't commit to any positive stable relationships because they have got it in their head they are nothing more then a worthless slut, or they feel like they would bring the other person down. Even worse how would you feel if something you said or did, just like in 13 Reasons Why, was the reason a young girl felt like she had no way out other then to end it all. Young girls especially are at a stage of their lives where they should be able to express themselves and grow into who they are meant to be. Putting these ideas in their head can shatter the expectations of everything to come.

To finish up, I just want to congratulate the production team on this show. It is about time we have something that shows the brutal reality of some high school stories. Its a subject that is still very untouched. No one wants to admit bullying, suicide and all these topics take place in their school but the truth it is happens everywhere. We are all bullys or victims of bullying at some stage. Some people more then others.

Thank you too anyone who read this the whole way through it was so much longer then I thought it would be, but I also think it is so important and I am at a place where i want to share these personal stories with anyone reading so you guys get an idea of why I am the way I am! So thank you! On a positive note we have some cool posts coming up in the next few weeks, some makeup reviews, book reviews and a little bit of everything really!

Stay happy and stay positive,

Steph xx

#deep #feelings #life #thoughts